So I’ve been feeling sick lately. Nausea, headaches, fatigue, cramps. Sounds like pregnancy, right? That’s what I thought, too. I do have Paragard (copper IUD) which is supposed to be good for 10 years, but I was reading on it and apparently the first year they insert it is the one you’re most likely to get pregnant. Needless to say, I was freaking out. I made an appointment with the clinic in town and actually managed to get a same day appointment.

I doubt I’ll make another appointment there. Ever.

Here’s what happened.

I arrived 30 minutes before my appointment to fill out the necessary paperwork. Three copies of the same page. Do they not have a copier? I then sit down in the waiting room for half a second before some perky nurse comes for me. We go to the lab to weigh me (yeah, the lab.), take a urine test and get my height. She asks me my symptoms, I give her the aforementioned ones. I don’t think she heard me though. “When did the breast tenderness start?” “How many periods have you missed?”

Uh, lady. My periods on the IUD are so scattered, I couldn’t even tell you when I’m supposed to get my next one. And what breast tenderness? How did my breasts come in to the conversation?

I explain it to her again. I also add in that I’ve had two children and know what pregnancy symptoms feel like and these are startlingly close. She puts me in an exam room and abandons me there for 35 minutes.

Soon I hear the doctor and her conversing outside. Actually, it sounds like one is down the hall and they’re yelling to each other, explaining my symptoms and possible causes. So much for confidentiality. But whatever. I’m not that upset. Its not like I have genital warts or anything.

The doctor comes in and introduces herself as Ann. I notice her tag says Nurse Practitioner. Does this place not have doctors? Ann is a nice lady, albeit scatterbrained. She also does this creepy thing with her eyes when she talks to me. She opens them as wide as possible with every word she says, then when she’s not talking, she squints.

Ann says she wants to check my IUD to make sure its properly in place. I proceed to get naked from the waist down, cover myself with a thin paper blanket and wait for Ann to come back in the room. She puts my feet in the stirrups and makes sure I’m on the very edge of the bed. I grip the sides and wonder how stupid I’ll look if I slide off the bed while my feet are in the stirrups. Meanwhile, Ann is lubing up the speculum and snapping on her gloves.

“Oh my. You know, there isn’t a light for the speculum. I better get one from another room,” Ann tells me.

“Oh.. Uh, okay,” I reply. Whatever, fine by me. Hurry back and all that.

“Actually.. I forgot. This room doesn’t have a spot for the light to plug in to. We’re going to have to move you.” Ann rushes out to find a nurse.

Wait. Move me? We’re moving? I sit there wondering whether I should begin getting dressed when the door opens again and Perky Nurse comes back in the room with Ann. Perky Nurse puts a robe on over my top while Ann instructs me to wrap the blanket around my bottom and follow her. Even though my brain is screaming protests, I do as they say.

“I’ll grab your clothes and purse!” I glance around to see what Perky Nurse is doing and indeed, she’s doing exactly that.

When I had stripped down, I wrapped my panties in my skirt to keep them out of view. To my horror, I realize that as PN picks them up, they fall to the floor. She nonchalantly bends down to pick them up in her other hand. All I can think is the nurse is holding my panties. THE NURSE IS HOLDING MY FREAKIN’ PANTIES. Could this get any WORSE??

“Here we go!” Ann opens the door and gently shoves me out.

It just got worse. I’m standing in the freakin’ clinic hallway HALF NAKED. I start to panic. Why are we casually strolling along? JUST TELL ME WHERE THE ROOM IS AND I’LL RUN THERE. Luckily, there is no one in the hallway. We finally reach the room we have to go to. I climb up on the bed and lay down. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Perky Nurse drop my skirt and panties on a chair. She sets my purse on the table, gives me a big smile and wishes me ‘good luck’. Good luck? Apparently, luck is not with me today.

Ann comes back to the table and begins to snap on a new pair of gloves. The box is empty. OF COURSE IT IS. Now she has to run out of the room to find a new box of gloves. She returns much quicker than I expect and finally, what seems like hours later, we begin the exam. First she pulls out the stirrups. These ones are covered with a ’sock’ type thing with a huge bear face on the end. I place my feet in the bear’s mouth and lay back. Ann then inserts the speculum and tries to find the IUD strings.

“Does your uterus tilt?” She jams the speculum in even farther. I tell her yes, it tilts. She continues trying to find the strings. Deciding she needs to do it manually, she removes the speculum and jams half the fingers on her hand up inside of me after a warning that it might become ‘uncomfortable’. Lady, nothing in this clinic has been comfortable. You molesting my uterus is just one of the many things that has ruined my day.

After finally finding the strings, she generously informs me that my uterus tilts. I generously DO NOT inform her that I just told her that a minute ago. I’m just happy the IUD is still in place.

But this is the place where happiness goes to die. In the next breath, she tells me she’s doing an internal exam since she’s already in there. Pushing against my insides with the fingers in me and leaning what seems like all her weight on me with her other hand on the OUTside of me, she says she wants me to tell her when it “feels tender”. IS THERE ANY OTHER WAY TO FEEL WHEN SOMEONES DOING THAT TO YOU? Seriously. How do you do that to someone and have it NOT hurt? I try telling her this and she laughs. I start to wonder whether I should have just left when they wanted me to switch rooms. Or maybe when they started talking about my breasts. Or maybe when I opened the front door and the scent of evil wafted over me.

I stare at the stupid pictures on the ceiling and try to think about other things as she finishes the exam. At this point, I don’t even care if she’s trying to carry a conversation. I got nothing. My entire visit is flashing through my mind. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Finally, she’s finished. I sit up and watch as Ann tries to jam the stirrups back inside the table. “These bears just do not want to go back in! Bears, go hibernate. TIME FOR HIBERNATION, BEARS!” I can’t help it anymore. It’s too much. I burst out laughing. Ann remains unfazed and goes about picking up. She tells me I’ll need blood drawn and tells me if I’m not pregnant, I’ll need to come back for further checking. Yeah, I’m really coming back.

I get a blood pregnancy test scheduled and wait for the lab technician to come in the room. Finally after MORE waiting, she arrives. Of course, the gloves in the room aren’t her size and there isn’t any other gloves IN the room. I end up following her to the lab to get it drawn. She takes a vial of my blood, slaps a bandaid on me and tells me I’m free to go.

Free to go. I practically skip out the door.

Oh, and for the record? Not pregnant!