So I’ve been feeling sick lately. Nausea, headaches, fatigue, cramps. Sounds like pregnancy, right? That’s what I thought, too. I do have Paragard (copper IUD) which is supposed to be good for 10 years, but I was reading on it and apparently the first year they insert it is the one you’re most likely to get pregnant. Needless to say, I was freaking out. I made an appointment with the clinic in town and actually managed to get a same day appointment.

I doubt I’ll make another appointment there. Ever.

Here’s what happened.

I arrived 30 minutes before my appointment to fill out the necessary paperwork. Three copies of the same page. Do they not have a copier? I then sit down in the waiting room for half a second before some perky nurse comes for me. We go to the lab to weigh me (yeah, the lab.), take a urine test and get my height. She asks me my symptoms, I give her the aforementioned ones. I don’t think she heard me though. “When did the breast tenderness start?” “How many periods have you missed?”

Uh, lady. My periods on the IUD are so scattered, I couldn’t even tell you when I’m supposed to get my next one. And what breast tenderness? How did my breasts come in to the conversation?

I explain it to her again. I also add in that I’ve had two children and know what pregnancy symptoms feel like and these are startlingly close. She puts me in an exam room and abandons me there for 35 minutes.

Soon I hear the doctor and her conversing outside. Actually, it sounds like one is down the hall and they’re yelling to each other, explaining my symptoms and possible causes. So much for confidentiality. But whatever. I’m not that upset. Its not like I have genital warts or anything.

The doctor comes in and introduces herself as Ann. I notice her tag says Nurse Practitioner. Does this place not have doctors? Ann is a nice lady, albeit scatterbrained. She also does this creepy thing with her eyes when she talks to me. She opens them as wide as possible with every word she says, then when she’s not talking, she squints.

Ann says she wants to check my IUD to make sure its properly in place. I proceed to get naked from the waist down, cover myself with a thin paper blanket and wait for Ann to come back in the room. She puts my feet in the stirrups and makes sure I’m on the very edge of the bed. I grip the sides and wonder how stupid I’ll look if I slide off the bed while my feet are in the stirrups. Meanwhile, Ann is lubing up the speculum and snapping on her gloves.

“Oh my. You know, there isn’t a light for the speculum. I better get one from another room,” Ann tells me.

“Oh.. Uh, okay,” I reply. Whatever, fine by me. Hurry back and all that.

“Actually.. I forgot. This room doesn’t have a spot for the light to plug in to. We’re going to have to move you.” Ann rushes out to find a nurse.

Wait. Move me? We’re moving? I sit there wondering whether I should begin getting dressed when the door opens again and Perky Nurse comes back in the room with Ann. Perky Nurse puts a robe on over my top while Ann instructs me to wrap the blanket around my bottom and follow her. Even though my brain is screaming protests, I do as they say.

“I’ll grab your clothes and purse!” I glance around to see what Perky Nurse is doing and indeed, she’s doing exactly that.

When I had stripped down, I wrapped my panties in my skirt to keep them out of view. To my horror, I realize that as PN picks them up, they fall to the floor. She nonchalantly bends down to pick them up in her other hand. All I can think is the nurse is holding my panties. THE NURSE IS HOLDING MY FREAKIN’ PANTIES. Could this get any WORSE??

“Here we go!” Ann opens the door and gently shoves me out.

First, let me say: Thank you, Loony for hosting my old site! You rock.

Yes, I’m horrible about blogging regularly as of late. But I have a good excuse this time. I’ve been setting up this domain and I’ve also been in labor since Wednesday. I spent six hours at the hospital that night with steady contractions, but I’m stuck at 3cm and am only 80% effaced. So, they gave me the boot and told me to wait it out at home until my water breaks. The only problem is that I can’t get my midwife to understand that the women in my family have never dilated past 2 or 3 cm on our own. In fact, out of the dozen of us with children, only three (including me) have had a vaginal birth. The rest had to have emergency c-sections because of the dilation problem. So yeah, my midwife expects me to dilate enough so my water will break but I just don’t see it happening. However, she added that my cervix just has to soften a little bit more and then my contractions should strength to the point that I’ll be admitted to the hospital. She’ll most likely have to break my water for me like with my daughter. After that happened, I dilated to 10cm and gave birth within the hour. Let’s see if Gabe will be as accommodating.

Until then? I sit here with steady contractions 3-5 minutes apart and painful as all hell. Oh, and Gabriel’s head is so low that my midwife actually has to move it to check my progress. It doesn’t feel pretty, let me assure you. At least he’s dropped into place.. Yet I haven’t had that lovely “lightening” feeling. You know, where you can breathe easier, your heartburn goes away and life in general is more comfortable? Yeah, none of that for me. His feet are still right up there against my ribs, shoving out in protest every time my uterus contracts.

It’s lovely. Really, it is.

Hopefully with a little more lovin’ from my husband, my cervix will quit being so stubborn.